Saying Goodbye One Last Time with a Clown Performance

Late at night on July 30, a message from Ah-Xin’s (pseudonym) father arrived in Dr. Red Nose’ dedicated Line account for video calls. It was only a few brief words: “Ah-Xin has become an angel. Thank you for all your hard work.”⠀⠀

I opened my tablet, and the image that came to mind was that little face—although Ah-Xin did not often speak, it would light up during our video calls. Thinking about the father’s state of mind, he must have been extremely overwhelmed, yet he still remembered to make a special effort to notify us. I was completely stunned for several minutes.

Throughout this tense period of the pandemic, Dr. Red Nose and Ah-Xin had video calls once or twice every week. After the calls, Dad would often tell us, “Ah-Xin was very happy today,” and say that if there was a chance, he would treat us to tapioca pearls that he had made himself.

When the pandemic began to intensify in May, Dr. Red Nose could no longer enter the ward to accompany the children at their bedsides. We continued having video calls with Ah-Xin, as many as 15 times, and stayed in touch with Ah-Xin’s parents like friends. Dad would often share details of their daily life with Dr. Red Nose: Ah-Xin happily celebrating their eighth birthday, Ah-Xin eating watermelon ice with their siblings at home, and Dad making colorful tapioca pearl ice desserts by hand. They were a large, loving family. We performed our very best for Ah-Xin and encouraged every response they gave in front of the camera, while Mom and Dad encouraged us in return to get through the pandemic and return to the hospital to accompany the children.⠀⠀

After coming back to myself, I began typing. I had so many emotions and wanted to embrace this family through words online, but I typed and deleted repeatedly. In the end, I replied: “Thank you, Dad, for letting us know. Although we did not accompany you for very long, we are so reluctant to part this way. Ah-Xin must have been very happy, because you always gave us so much encouragement as well. We also gained so much strength from your whole family—truly! You are such a warm family.” Dad read it the next day, but there were no further messages.⠀⠀

At the same time, I tried my best to steady my own emotions and shared the news in the group in very calm, measured words, informing Dr. Red Nose in southern Taiwan. Everyone was, as expected, deeply shocked and strongly felt the suddenness and unpredictability of life. It was impossible to have no emotions; the memories and regrets expressed one after another all conveyed the clowns’ feelings. Yet after expressing them, we still quickly composed ourselves, preparing to continue accompanying the children who had appointments with us, continue with the next day’s training, and continue living out our daily lives.

On August 3, we received another message from Ah-Xin’s father, as direct and unembellished as usual: “I’d like to ask, if I wanted you to come perform to make Ah-Xin happy, how much would it cost?” He then added, “They really liked you.” Ah-Xin’s memorial service was that Saturday. I thought about this father, who looked somewhat rugged; he probably had barely slept in recent days, rushing around to prepare for Ah-Xin’s final journey.

To be honest, this task was not easy. First, it was outside the usual nature and scope of Dr. Red Nose’ work. Second, although every Dr. Red Nose was familiar with Ah-Xin, we had never been trained or learned what role and state of mind to adopt when facing this farewell blessing at a memorial service. At the time, Taiwan was still under a Level 3 epidemic alert, and it was not appropriate for so many people outside the family to go to the venue. Therefore, after a swift yet careful discussion, all Dr. Red Nose in southern Taiwan decided to work in relay, recording a video together and singing a song for Ah-Xin, while sending their blessings to the whole family.

During those two days, the nine team members in southern Taiwan each practiced and recorded at home as quickly as they could. Since they could not practice singing together, matching pitch and finishing a song in unison was truly difficult. On top of that, whenever everyone opened their mouths to sing, they could not help remembering Ah-Xin’s adorable little face during that period: even while wearing an oxygen tube and unable to speak properly, Ah-Xin always struggled to open their eyelids, sat up with Mom’s support, and waved and interacted with us. It became even harder to sing properly. They sang until their tears and runny noses blended together, and each person had to record their assigned few lines countless times before finally completing them.

Next, Dr. Red Nose Qian-Xin stayed up late for two nights to edit the nine video segments by hand. In the process, they repeatedly reshot and revised the footage, driven by a desire to do their very best. Finally, early Saturday morning, the video was sent to Dad so that Ah-Xin could see it before setting out. That morning, the rain fell incredibly heavily, just like our feelings.

I told Dad on Line: “Dr. Red Nose do not charge families. Our funding comes from donations by the public, businesses, corporations, and foundations. During this time, your family has gone through such rapid changes and difficulties, yet you were still willing to let Dr. Red Nose continue accompanying Ah-Xin. To us, this was a precious encounter. Thank you, Dad, for giving us this opportunity to make this video for your family. We wish you a smooth journey.”

Almost midnight on the night the memorial service ended, Dad sent us a video. It was one he had personally made for his beloved daughter: “Thank you for putting so much thought into this. I also made a video myself, dedicated to you.” Dad also said, “Please let the hospital know that if you ever want to organize an event for children with cancer in the future, I can handle the venue decorations. I won’t charge anything—I want to bring happiness to children with cancer!”

I remembered how proudly Dad had shared with us the grand and lively decorations he had personally arranged in a school classroom for Ah-Xin’s birthday party, creating a scene where he only hoped the children could enjoy themselves together. I told Dad: “Thank you for turning your love for children into a greater love for all. I’ve passed this on to the head nurse! Dr. Red Nose team also wants to thank you for giving us the opportunity to say goodbye to Ah-Xin.”⠀

Dr. Red Nose have been active in southern Taiwan for four years, regularly serving in hospitals. Over the years, it is inevitable that we encounter children who do not make it to recovery, and usually we have no opportunity to say goodbye properly. In our work, whenever a child with whom we have formed a deep bond passes away, it leaves a faint hole in our hearts. We can only silently say goodbye to them in our own way.⠀⠀

Being able to stay in contact with the parents until the very end, and even work together to do one thing—to say goodbye to the child properly—was a first for us.

Thank you for allowing us to enter your lives and accompany you through these important moments.

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