Dr. Red Nose’s Diary – After Removing My Makeup

After serving as a Dr. Red Nose for so many years,

I don’t know how many times I’ve looked at the sky, wondering why life was brought into this world, and why it was taken away by this world.

(The picture is a portrait of Tofu drawn by a child.)

After removing my makeup, I changed back into my original clothes and walked out of the lounge.

Unlike the parade at the start of the performance, no children looked at me curiously or excitedly came out to stop me. Today, I didn’t hurry downstairs for lunch. Instead, I looked a little longer into each hospital room I passed, observing the daily lives of the children and their parents.

A Medical Clown’s performance in a hospital room lasts about two hours each time; children spend about ten minutes meeting the clowns, and each child gets at most twenty minutes a week.

The happiness, energy, and imagination I feel during those two hours of performing may be the child’s most uplifting moments of the entire week. What about the rest of the time?

A few weeks ago, a friend invited me to see the movie BIG. She said it was a story about a pediatric cancer ward, and that as a Dr. Red Nose, I would surely find it very relatable. (As an aside, the child actors in it were incredibly cute. After the movie ended, I even ran into them outside thanking all the healthcare workers who had come to see the film. I was completely overwhelmed by their cuteness.)

“A pediatric cancer ward? As if I don’t know about that?” I thought.

The ward depicted in the movie was almost exactly like the situations we encounter in our actual work. A pediatric cancer ward is like a community. Because hospital stays last such a long time, all kinds of families—with different personalities and lifestyles, different beliefs and nationalities—are forced to encounter one another and share everything in their small rooms.

But when facing a common enemy, these differences no longer matter. As they face people coming and going, and those moments when it is almost impossible to keep going, they have comrades, strategists, and supplies. They know there are people in this world who can empathize with them, and that someone cares—and those people are right beside them.

Cancer treatment is arduous. I know this, yet I don’t know it. I don’t know what it feels like to have an artificial blood vessel in my body all the time. I don’t know what it feels like to keep losing my hair. I don’t know how uncomfortable the medication can make you feel. And I know even less what it feels like when a friend promises to keep going with me, but goes on ahead first.

So I went to see what they were like in the hospital rooms, read the messages their parents had left for us, and chatted with healthcare workers and art therapy teachers. Only then did I feel a little closer to them.

While watching the movie, I also kept unconsciously imagining the children I had served in the story, picturing myself taking part in every little moment of their lives at the hospital. Through the camera, it was as if I were a guardian; even though they couldn’t see me, I was still protecting them. In a way, that comforted me during some moments that had left me feeling slightly regretful.

After serving as a Dr. Red Nose for so many years, I don’t know how many times I’ve looked at the sky, wondering why life was brought into this world, and why it was taken away by this world.

The finale of the animated series Attack on Titan, which I had loved very much, arrived recently after a ten-year wait. In it, one character said that once, while racing his best friend to see who could reach the tree first, he suddenly felt that perhaps he had been born into this world just for that moment.

From Dr. Red Nose, healthcare workers, art therapy teachers, family and friends, movies and television series, anime and manga, books and articles, breathtaking scenery, to you or me—or even a single sentence—any of these might be the moment someone else has been waiting for in this world.

Perhaps you have already found it. Perhaps you have already helped many people without even realizing it.

But no matter what, to quote the adorable Yuanyuan from BIG: “I will live well!”